I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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