Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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