If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i think i have two assholes
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
