I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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