Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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