My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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