I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
