That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
