The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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