So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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