Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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