Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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