Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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