Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
