We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
