i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
