I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
