Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
