I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
