apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
