John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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