I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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