Quick, to the slutcave!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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