Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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