Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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