Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My hand turned me down
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
