I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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