the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
