i just sent this text using only my big toe
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
