when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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