I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
