I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize