my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He shit in the fireplace
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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