Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
