If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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