I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
