you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
