I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
