Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
