he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
