i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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