that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
ttyl tear gas
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
