Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
