Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
