I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
