We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
