you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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