oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
