I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Of course I have a pirate flag
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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