Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize