That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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