First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
