In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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