Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she peed on how many people?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
