then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize