Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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