Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
