Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
