remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
