I wanna bring you to show and tell
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
