His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
